i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
yeah im watching him make his speech now. cant take him seriously tho. hes talking about funding for education and all i can think about is how ive seen what he looks like wearing womens underwear...
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
Dude respond to my evite. You're either coming to the orgy or not.
We were like one big happy Eskimo family.
gave out my moms phone number instead of mine last night... thattttttttttttttt dunk.
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
Randomize