woke up to 35 texts all saying im cheating on her
me and last nights hook up spent two hr. figuring out a reply we went with i love you..
Saw an eatery called Rusty Taco. That sooo could be me.
No no no no no. Not interrested. She looks just like Kim's fat booth picture. Only real.
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
If a young child walked up to you and grabbed your penis, you'd feel violated too.
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
Annnnddddd this chick is using a hand puppet made of a sock to give her research presentation...
So wise, so handsome, so good at oral sex.
I'm scared to touch anything in this apartment. Even the ceiling.
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
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