Do you ever creep on the girls you have banged and wondered how their walk of shame went?
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
I was hoping we just happened to wake up naked and I hadn't fucked him.... no such luck.
I wish guys would just cum water 'cause you don't have to worry about being pregnant and it'd be like a squirt gun fight
if we break up, who will get the dealer?
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
Heels with jeans turned Casual Friday into Casual Sex With My Boss Friday
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