I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
After he proceded to violently molest my tits until 9 am i snuck out of his room only to meet his mother downstairs, who informed me she heard the giant sexfest going on in the room next to them.. this was before she called us both "chickenshits".. worst walk of shame ever.
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
So not only did team sweden fail to particpate in any drinking game but i also found puke in my viking helmet this morning.
It was just a friend comforting a friend. Except his penis was inside of me.
Who is Katie and why do we have her birthday cake?
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
You have not lived until you and a ginger miget chick are jumping and waving your arms in a pitch black bathroom to turn on the motion lights. Yes, today I have officially lived.
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
Randomize
