I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
new revelation: five guys for breakfast
new revelation: previous revelation not a good revelation
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
my dad just paid them in porn...i no longer feel guilty for getting hammered and not helping
I just passed a truck with its bed lined with a tarp and filled with water with six dudes chilling in the back driving through campus. That looks fun.
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
you just won the triple crown of sex! your prize is more sex.
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
I smoked a joint in the bathtub at 8 am then went back to bed
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
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