Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
They reenacted the scene from the lion king where mufasa talked to simba from the clouds. As high as they were they got it word for word. There has to be an award for that.
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
I kinda feel like I was hit by a Prius. Just glad it's not bus status.
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
He peed off the roof and then we bonded it was beautiful
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
I think I've been there, but who knows? I drink a lot
Tent sex on an air mattress requires balance and flexibility. Not for the faint of heart
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
Randomize
