I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
i hate this light. i wouldnt even hook up with me in this light
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
I'm reffing a fight in Fight Club I don't even know what I'm doing
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
I fell on my face, puked, and had to be rocked to sleep in a hammock. I'd say Europe is a success
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
The next time you scream bombs away when you are inside me will be the last time you are inside me
Going to give your dick a friendship bracelet.
I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that
Randomize
