this is amy. the small petlike person from the womens bathroom at the reef.
she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
Dont forget the glove box taco bell stash i saved for drunk us.
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
PS I almost downloaded grindr to see if any guys wanted to buy me chinese food..
not sure what stings more, my ass or my pride...
Randomize
