i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
Is it bad when your hot neighbor is crying on her porch, and your 2nd thought is "maybe her boyfriend cheated on her and she'll want to fuck me for revenge sex?"
Perfectly normal.
he ran me a hot bath. i thought i was in a pot and was going to be eaten. i was strangely ok with this
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
"You can go raw dog up in me". Exact words. I can't decide whether to run, or fuck. Help.
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
The other guys kept waking up so I hid... Like, dick in mouth, hiding in his sleeping bag
i'm so glad to be in bed i'd like to thank the acadermy
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
New drinking game get out your high school year book and take a shot for everyone in your class who's had a baby!
Randomize
