can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
im over her. I got weed and youtube. everything i could ever ask for.
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
He makes this seasoned whore feel like a novice. I've met the one.
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
We should have a bouncer at the top of our stairs asking the guys we bring home for ID...
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
I can't. Currently naked covered in Nair trying desperately to catch his cat that rubbed up on my leg.
I hate that cat.
So when the drug raid cops tell you, you should get out of the relationship, it probably means its time.
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
so.. please tell me you did not really sleep on the washing machine last night
guilty
it’s my vagina i can do what i want to
Randomize
