Pappa wants mamma naked
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
im tired of her bring homeless men home when shes drunk. THEY ARE NOT FUCKING PETS!!!!
Totally passed out on the dealers bed after paying him all in ones so no, i dont think i'll be getting a discount soon.
I woke up to find my purse full of puke, and all I could think was not again.
We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
Lmfao I'm not trying to have a pissing contest over acid with my mom.....
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
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