How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
This is the guy who showed up to the first day of class with a 24 pack of coke and a handle of rum in his backpack. He doesnt play by normal people rules.
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
We're on a cock hunt. Everything is fair game.
The one wearing a viking helmet and holding a bottle of Smirnoff. She's laying on the floor of the tube singing "cant find my way home" . You can't miss her..
IT'S LINGERIE PURCHASED FROM A FLEA MARKET, THE ONLY THING IT'S GOING TO BE POSITIVE FOR IS A TEST FOR HIV
We're already drunk. 4 hours to go still. And there's a bear advisory. TOP WEEKEND.
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
Started mixing booze directly into the 2 liters and carrying them around. Mixing less often, and now kind of weightlifting,so double effecient.
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
Randomize
