She went from zero to smokin in five shots
im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
Why does everyone think all I do is drink? I go to class on wednesdays
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
There's always time for handjobs
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
He was still there when I ran half naked into my suitemate's room where she was skyping her boyfriend and I started singing I JUST HAD SEEEEX
I just realized I donated our bong to goodwill.. RIP Kimbo Slice
You suck, She hit so hard.
Hey every now and then can you tell me you want to fuck me to boost my confidence? Thanks.
Randomize
