he quoted cool runnings while we were having sex: feel the rythm,feel the rhyme, get on up, its bobsled time
I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
At the time, making out with dudes for keg money seemed like a genius idea. Now I realize it was borderline prostitution.
there is no amount of schooling that prepares you for when your morbidly obese 45 year old patient tells you she has her clit pierced.
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
I sang "A Whole New World" while I took his virginity
That is awesome that you did that.
I may not be his cup of tea, but I bet I'm his 10th shot of tequila
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
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