I'm currently imdbing Helena Bonham Carter to see if there are any pictures of her that don't scare the crap out of me.
Good luck with that.
I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
hey i know this is weird but does alcohol affect pregnancy tests?
she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
there's a photo set of like seven dicks covered in glitter....i don't know what to do
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
We compared her boobs to bacon. I'm probably going to have to justify that.
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
Randomize
