sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
Just kicked a guy in his penis in order to win a dance contest on Bourbon....desperate.
She washed her feet in the sink at white castle. I want this girl in my life.
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
This means I've slept with 2 ppl that live in vans...my life is complete
We had sex in the church bell tower and somehow it still feels right.
This is why people in Buffalo die of heart attacks. This and wings
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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