i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
STOP SENDING ME NAKED PICTURES WHEN I'M TRYING TO TEACH. MONDAY TUESDAY 1-3 IS A DICK AND ARSE FREE ZONE
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
He has a wall filled with panties from past hook ups. So no, I didn't fuck him.
you'll kiss me after i give you a blowjob but you wont kiss me after I eat apple sauce? am I the only one who sees something wrong with this?
Am I the only one who finds it completely appropriate to pre-game our Brazilians?
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Randomize
