I FOUND THE PROF I'M GOING TO FUCKKKK.
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
Yo send me the pic of me stickn my dick in the paint bucket last night
we've been together for three years, and i still get excited when i know i'm going to give him a blow job. it's that kind of love
I want him in the "you're a terrible idea and are probably going to get me killed by my parents, my siblings, and my boyfriend" way
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
Do you find Darth Vader masks attractive?
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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