I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
Calvin and Hobbes are double-teaming a butterfly. They're in the bathroom, and drawing a crowd.
oh my god. i just found my camera... on top of the bush outside of my house. never let me drink everclear again
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
Let me tell you the story of bicurious george
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
I chased him for half a mile, lost him then somehow ended up at his house. Is that still considered stalking? I WAS drunk.
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
THEY'RE HAVING SEX ON A HORSE AND THE HORSE DOESN'T EVEN CARE.
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