Be sure to let me know if your relationship crumbles so I can resume hitting on you
Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
he kept doing his monologue, "if a vagina could talk."
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
So, I found out he was eating a jolly rancher while eating me out.. Hence the yeast infection.
I dont even remember coming home... All my stuff is strewn randomly around my apartment... And I woke up at 5 sitting propped up in my bed with just my arm in a shirt
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
I'm gonna eat you out. But for science
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
i'm licking honey sensually off my arm while alone in my room. what has my life come to
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
Randomize
