So im pretty sure the object of my emotional onterest is tired of playing with me....
Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
I'm shivering and sweating at the same time. Thanks a lot St. Patrick.
But like now everytime I pee I just think... wow I had sex with him on this toilet.
He has crabs, not bed bugs. I recommend incoporating a clinic on this mornings walk of shame route.
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
it was such a weird mix, KFC and penis
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
Well the police had to intervene and I couldn't exactly feel my legs by the end of the night, but I'd say it was a successful Friday night.
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
and Katie got too high with the tow truck driver and wants to go home
This country song on the radio just had a rap break. What. No. Why.