I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
one of the service guys here said i licked ranch off your face lastnight
the igloo is complete. bring your weed and the hat with the floppy ears
he just sent me a pic of him naked with a bucket of margarita mix hanging off his dick
The ratio of how much he pisses me off to how much sex i get just isnt working out for me
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
I was wondering, is there any way to hook up a lawn hose to a keg?
I yelled out look at all those hickeys. And then gave her boyfriend a high five
So high I started thinking my desktop picture of a cat was too erotic for the workplace.
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
Randomize
