im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
This is a mass text. Does anyone know where I am?
My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
When i tried to give you something that wasn't tequila...like water....you kept saying it was against your religion.
I've always been the spiritual type.
I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
I don't have the urge to be a home-wrecker with these two. I think I've grown, don't you?
i think he saw me take a picture of his dick
we've got reservations. ask for the eat a bag of dicks table
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
Randomize
