So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
Occasionally I curse my inner 15 year old when I'm fulfilling their dreams as a slut, but I roll with it.
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
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You took my underwater blowjob virginity.
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
Also this freshmen guy is talking about his gag reflex and no one is making blowjob jokes. I have no faith in the next generation.
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You are the only lesbian I know that needs plan b
Our DD will meet us there. The strippers are sending a limo to pick him up. He promised them New Years Eve massages. Said he would still drive us home.
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
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