I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
She's NOT homeless...she graduated early.
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
I literally woke up walked into the bathroom, threw up and died this morning. Then went to my 8am.
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
A drunk frat boy just jumped on the hood of my car while I was driving down Bridge St. He yelled at me to keep going since he was playing frogger and needed another car to jump on... or a log. I hate this town.
Randomize
