he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies
and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"
well look at the bright side
maybe you can be on an episode of "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant"
In attempts to Not be THAT GIRL in front of my new crush I will only drink a 12 pack instead of my normal case.
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
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So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
You threw a hot dog at his face...I wouldn't call you either.
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
There just aren't enough words in the English language to convey my deep and abiding love of your cock. So I am beefing up on my Portuguese.
My wife ladies and gentlemen! Love ya babe.
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Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
I'm gonna face reality, tomorrow morning is not on my hungover agenda.
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
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