I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
i don't even remember going to get food. i think i got gas too.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I don't know what he sees in her. All I see are horrible pancake nipples
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
about 90% sure I fell off a roof. It hurts BAD. Don't suppose you're still in town?
yup haha I infact DID fall off a roof. Want some bomb ass omlettes?
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
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