I thidmdmk you'gre a special person
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
His blow is so strong I threw up. Buy it. I'm in nursing school I know what I'm talking about.
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
Your biggest crisis right now is that you can't decide whether to keep hooking up with AN NFL PLAYER or try to rekindle your relationship with your ex. You are a walking white girl problem.
come over we're fb stalking guys who were dressed as bananas last night because i can't remember which one i blew
You kept ranting how Captain Planet is getting shortchanged in the superhero department. Other than that you kept it together
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
Fuck the walk of shame. I make this shit glorious.
The fact that you arent wearing shoes probably just adds to the classiness
Condom wrapper stuck to my shirt ups the anty
You should of known that i was high if i refer to myself as melting into anything
Randomize
