Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
So I just googled the ten commandments... Were fucked.
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
five cans of playdoh and a game of guess whose penis ...
All together there was 318 cigarette butts in the pool... And my microwave.
Do I really need this much space in my mouth?
Are you already high?
Serious questions. Who is that girl? Why is she wearing a tiara? And why does she keep asking about penis piercings?
So scratching an ex marines beard, telling him "nice hairy pussy." then when he opens his mouth to respond, I started fingering his mouth. Needless to say was a horrible idea
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
and i thought it was paint or jizz but it was cheese
please tell me you didnt taste test that
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
wyd
Laying here debating on if i want a sandwich or an orgasm.
Randomize
