they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
why does my status of facebook already read REHAB 2011
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
I dont even remember what i was saying but just one minute i was crying and the next i was showing u my genitals
I will give him this, every time we go to the club he gets a stripper's actual number.
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
