Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
is it a bad thing if he can only get off when i start talking like one of the girls from Jersey Shore??
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
Meanwhile I'm googling glory holes in Vegas
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
I woke up in a limo in long Island, Ny this morning. Talk about a black out
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
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