i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
I have no idea what those words in that order meant, but if you go to Florida send me pics of strippers
I need someone to play with my boobs. Even platonically. I just need a good groping
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
I literally woke up walked into the bathroom, threw up and died this morning. Then went to my 8am.
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
Apparently I was so drunk last night I got stuck in the revolving door at the hotel. They have suveliance vidoes of it.
I think I fucked the doubts about us out of him
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
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