dude on moped wearing crocs...somebody get this guy his man card back
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
Weird. Haha. I guess taking advice from batman is a good idea.
Last night I walked out of the bar got in a cab asked the cabi to circle the block. he did and brought me right back to the bar. I paid him $7 thanked him and walked back into the bar.
I'm eating dry tortillas on a mattress without a sheet. and i thought my life would change after graduation.
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
So I know we're not talking about this anymore buuuuuut I left heel marks on the wall.
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
I'm at home 4 xanax deep watching She's all that.. no I don't want to go out. The couch is eating me.
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