Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
I can't wait to get all this Makers out of my shoe.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I bruise way too easily for the kind of rough sex I want...
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
The cop was more concerned with the fact I had cowboy boots on with shorts than the fact we were under age
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
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