I hate you but I'm not in hate with you
Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
So that's a yes to the cocaine usage and a no to the rollerblading
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
She cried. My mom screams. And nut went everywhere. It was all around a bad situation.
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
On duty sugar tits. A Marine never abandons his post to take nudi pics.
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
You mom sent me some article linking anal sex, damaged prostates and sterility. Does she still think your gonna go straight and have kids one day?
Randomize
