I've decided through careful research we can out drink any country folk.
I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
Definately laid on the floor of the shower this morning drinking the water as it fell on me.
He's currently rapping every word to 'more money more problems' at what could be a over 30s gay bar. I'm not sure yet. More info to come.
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
Randomize
