Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I don't think we should have started that trash fire
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
ask me again when I'm sobewr aka tuesday
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
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