OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
Is it sad I memorized the exact change required for a #7 at Wendy's?
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
You were in the garage half naked counting your ribs and talking about how you had too many
well we could tame deer to let us ride on them. does that work?
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
Randomize
