I see lights
Your drunk and in times square. Time to take the 2 train home.
I'm taking last night back. It officially didn't happen. Tell your friends.
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
The worse part is i sent a text at like three that said i was getting head... Now i have no idea who's mouth has been on my dick
All I remember is taking a bath, puking in the bath water numerous times while trying to wash myself and I must of eventually given up
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
I'm also 3/4 on the frats. Its like my goal of traveling to all 7 continents, but different somehow and a lot less morally sound.
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
IM GOING TO SIT ON YOUR FACE AND CHANT 'I BELIEVE THAT WE WILL WIN'
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
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