I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
The countdown is at hand. We are 15 days from so much Jameson that names will be forgotten. Prepare your liver now or severe projectile vomiting will be the theme of the night.
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
I was cracking open beer cans, throwing them off the roof, and yelling "FRAG OUT!"
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
How you doing tonight? I got my butthole licked so i cant complain.
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
He's a waste of a perfectly good penis.
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