how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
Naturally, I just peed all over the floor. Two guys in front of me looked at me, but i just shrugged. They won't remember either.
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
It's 6 am, I'm drunk, and celebrating the end of finals.Go ahead and ask me where I am...if you guessed a McDonald's playpen then you are correct. Badabababa I'm loving it
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
had more orgasms than hours of sleep last night
Randomize
