So. Did i wake up at 430, try to drive home, stop to throw up at a shell, and try to clean out my car and drop my keys in a full dumpster? Yes.
I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
no. you can't hotbox the world.
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
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i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
I took my shirt off and stood in the kitchen for an hour and a half talking to his parents about my tattoos
Ya bro it was wild. Hey, is latex digestible?
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
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You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
No, I know her type. Tall, lanky, uses teeth when giving head, and runs like a giraffe. Don't do it man..
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
It takes a special friend to go vibrator shopping with
Yes. It does.
Well according to all the calls, texts, and Facebook messages, I threw up on you guys last night.
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