I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
I think she must be bulimic. I mean, every time I see her I know i want to throw up.
I got head to The Nanny. Officially gay.
Btw sorry for throwing that bag of ice at your face lastnight....
And then as he was trying to conceal his boner from everybody, you said aloud "just grab your cock and get out of the pool"
The world isn't going to end because you slept with him!
... that would be easier though.
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
Honest opinion...too aggressive to bring the funnel out to the bar? Also just so you know im at the bar. with the funnel.
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
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