He went so fast i didnt even have time to pretend like i was about to have a fake orgasim
I think I'm going to die by hangover. I'm in my spanish class. So I guess I'm going to be muerte.
hey bro how do you do that fake vagina thing with the tp roll? im bored.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
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