when the lights went off, all i could see was the glowing of the camera light in the closet... i got the fuck out of there so fast.
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
Aw c'mon. You have to see if the spinning penis rumor is true.
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
These 23 People Had Sex With Someone From Completely Different Cultures
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
This is the high leading the old right now
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
Is he the circus guy or the bi-curious street preacher?
25 Medical Facts That Need To Be Common Knowledge
So Bodhi just sent me a pic of someone's balls with a message that says "I hope you all have a ballin' night." I don't even know what level of friendship to call this anymore.
Oh my god.
The ballsiest level.
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
Taking dicks and breaking hearts, no better life
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect