She told me she got a 15 on her A.C.T.. that's when I knew it was a done deal.
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
And then she started grabbing onto random guys legs, asking their names, and if they wanted to be friends... Haha, I love when the girls my ex's are dating are total drunken whores.
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
I think the main reason you were throwing up so much was the quart of soap you chugged trying to burp bubbles. you came close
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
Randomize
