Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
Guy, there will be accountabilities this weekend that you will need to respond to, or else.
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
I want to preface this by saying nothing happened, nothing is on fire. It is mere speculation. Do we have a fire extinguisher?
got into a verbal altercation with Luke Harangoty last night over a table. Called him a cross-eyed fuck and got the table.
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
Glow Paint looked great for the Black Light Party last night, Tonight having a glow in the dark Pizza on my arm, not so much.
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
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