What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
you should give me head with plastic fangs in
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
strip vodka pong is never a good idea. I saw into his colon when he picked up the ball off the floor
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
This is why we can never be together. Well that and we r married to other ppl but that's very minor detail compared to the coffee issue
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
He told me that if he broke my bed my bed durring sex he would take me to ikea, but only on Monday because it's all you can eat meatballs. I think I'm in love.
He said his name was Tony, after last night I will refer to him as Tiny
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