3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
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so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
but then the words kidney pain and possible testicle shrinkage kept ringing in my head
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
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I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
While he was gone for spring break I took his head board... I don't wanna wake up from his shenanigans for the rest of my college career.
I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.
I'm not sure what step "make amends" is, but my phone is on
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.