Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
i deep throated a ruler to see what my limit was...
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
23 Theme Park Employees Confess The Biggest Adult Tantrums They’ve Witnessed
We had a long talk in which he told me he respects me more than any other girl. 30 minutes later, I got a facial.
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
Last night when you stole the construction sign you told me to tell you that first you did it for the money Than you did it for the music But mostly you did it for your family
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
23 Crazy Psychological Tricks You Have To Try on Someone RIGHT NOW
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
I vote we get high and sneak off to McDonald's to get mcflurries.
YES. ALL MY YES.
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
I have his gate key so know he has to see me again.
Also barcrawl friday. You ARE wearing a tiara