i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
The bender is in full force. After 2 bloody mary's at breakfast we are now drinking vodka redbull "as a precaution" so we will stay awake for the club tonight.
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
The future queen of Norway was pregnant with a druglord's baby when she met the prince. We still have hope.
I'm pretty sure whiskey overrules bulimia in the eyes of Texas boys
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
Dude I sat in the corner of the party bobbing my head and singing danger zone
we were making out in my truck and while she was straddling me she informs me that she jerks off horses for a living. Should I be concerned or flattered?
Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
I know I joke about running from my problems a lot but I'm 3 miles off-campus and need a ride
Randomize
