I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
Reindeer Drinking Games will soon commence. Get over here while we're still sober enough to answer the door.
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
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I kno. She bruised her chin trying to swim thru the hardwood floor.
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
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Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
My breasts were aching with rage.
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
I think clothing becomes optional at the second date! But you seem like a rule breaker
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
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