I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
She stared for a good 10 seconds before calling my dick "awe-inspiring", and then proceded to give me blueballs. All in all the ego boost made my night break even
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
Out of all the people in the house to show their tits at mcdonalds to try and get free food, they picked those two?
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
only i would get off to receiving death threats online
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
BUT YOU GOTTA TASTE THE RAINBOW!!
That's what Skittles are for!
Every time I look at him 'Relax' by Frankie Goes to Hollywood plays in my head. Is that weird?
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