I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
dont worry it didnt get any better. she locked herself in his room and was screaming at the top of her lungs "IM GUNA PEE ON YOUR BED"
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
We both got free alcohol and got laid by foreign men last night.
I'm not going out again for the rest of my life. I can't top this.
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
I have to touch the horse lube. :-(
Randomize
