He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
In all fairness I didnt see your dick because it was already in her
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
raced the clock twice to day to see if i could get off before my computer died and before i left for my noon bar crawl... win, win
lets go back to having secrets in our friendship
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
You fell in the corner and refused to get up unless someone helped you. And then you crawled under the pool table and took a nap.
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
Randomize
