Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
All i remember was you crying naked on the bathroom floor because you were cold. I got you a blanket and you kept kicking it off and crying because you were still cold.
I vaguely remember chanting "USA" at the pool when we were talking to the Frenchies.
We were pointing at fat people and chanting USA.
Just whatever you do please don't lick his face again.
I can't tell you details but at one point I had her pee strapped to my back in a ziploc
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
Im just confused who has their mom break up with someone
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
He's a waste of a perfectly good penis.
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
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